That may have been...

the worst thing I've ever had to do in my life. I hated telling the kids... especially Haley... that we were not going to live together anymore. I never used the word divorce, but she did. She cried instantly and didn't stop for a long time. Leaving them for the weekend was awful too. I know it will get easier, but it sucked! Point Blank! Drew doesn't really understand... I don't think. I hope they will always know that this is NOT THEIR FAULT!

To get the process started... I got pay stubs faxed to the attorney. I'm not sure when we are actually going to file. Just one more thing for Justin and I to figure out together.

I went car shopping today... just looked! I hate car shopping especially when I have NO idea what I want. I want something I can afford on my own... I want my insurance to go down.

I can't wait to have the kids back tomorrow. Drew has his first basketball practice Thursday so Justin will get the kids again then for the night. uggg... this is going to suck!!!

With tears...

in my eyes, I write this post. Justin and I are telling the kids tonight about our divorce. I'm physically sick. I hope we do everything right to insure Haley and Drew know that this is not their fault and that we both LOVE them unconditionally. For now... whomever has the kids will stay at the house. So far, things seem peaceful and I pray that they can continue that way. Time will heal all wounds.

I know some of you may never speak to me again... and I've accepted that at this moment.

Times will get worse before they get better. I don't know how I'm going to deal with sharing the kids, but they love their daddy very much.

On a different note... I'm not blonde anymore! This is a step in my new direction.

As one chapter comes to an end... I'll start a new chapter!!! I'm keeping faith... no matter how many tears will roll {pour} down my cheeks!!

Don't know...

what to title this post. SO much going on in my head.

First... I'm glad halloween is over. I keep giving candy away to people hoping our bowl disappears soon. The kids had a great time, but don't care much for going door to door. I don't at all mind that, but I wish they would have told me before we were the furthest spot from Ashley and Adam's house. They have already decided what they want to dress up next year. We actually bought Drew's for 50% off {I love getting a good deal!}... man I hope he doesnt' change his mind! We haven't found what Haley wants to be yet. Maybe I'll get ambitious and make her costume... doubt it!

Second... Job is going good. Election was last week, so lots of changes are taking place amongst the office. People moving on, people over up, etc... me... I'm staying where I am! Oh well... it is a foot in the door. I am anxious to see what happens come the first of 2011. I actually have a meeting with the NEW prosecutor, Lee, tomorrow!

Third... Life sucks. I hate {strong... I know} you... that is all I'm saying. I'm hurt, pissed, crushed, angry, dissappointed, livid, broken... and you have NO idea how it feels. Enough said!

why...

are certain people SO concerned with what I type?!?!

Today is Halloween: my ladybug and superman are ready to trick or treat!

I also had to call my eye dr. at home today and interuppt him while he was shearing sheep. He is so great to meet me at the office to tell me I have another eye infection and NO contacts for like a month or two!! Justin and I seriously need to check into lasik... maybe a 2 for 1 special would be great!!

Oklahoma bound in two weeks? I have to talk to Justin and see what Tyler finds out for sure!!

hello...

it's me... just updating a bit...

I finally got a new computer... that works! It took a month and if Justin didn't get a discount at Dell and the kids didn't have to use a PC... I would have totally ordered a MAC, but it's okay. I don't recommend Dell at all! I love my computer... don't get me wrong... but their customer service/tech department SUCKS! I dread having to ever call in there again. Oh well...

Haley and Drew are beyond excited for Halloween. HSE/FHS Key clubs are putting on a halloween party tomorrow, so I'm going to take the kids. Emma, Kagen, and Kenzie may be joining us for some fun!! Friday: I'm taking the kiddos to the courthouses in Noblesville to see where I work and to trick or treat there. Saturday: We may go to ZooBoo with Cody, Heidi, and Kenzie. Sunday: it is halloween! Can you tell I want them to wear their costumes as much as possible? hehe!

I can't tell you the last time Drew went to the doctor. He is my healthy kid... however... he is going tomorrow. Most of you know that I am very open about talking about poop. He is going about 5 times a day. It is formed, but soft and mucus-y. Gross... I know! His butt is itching like crazy too. Wierd... I know!

Things with Justin are going... I asked him what he wanted and he couldn't answer me. I don't know why he has to talk to "her" everyday. She calls him... he calls her! It doesn't matter. I told him I wanted him to talk to me. Anyway.... I wish he knew that I hate it... wait... he does know! He also knows I check his phone. I've been very open about everything lately! I'm trying! He is still working dirt til late at night, so I feel like we haven't seen him much since Jerry got hurt. Jerry is still doing good.

What else? Not much!

Just letting you know...

what has been going on:

My father-in-law is doing great! He is getting along well with the walker. That has caused his shoulder to hurt since that has been carrying his body weight. He went to the Dr. last Thursday and they wouldn't take the staples out yet. Should be this week! He is going crazy not being able to help Justin {and Drew:)} around the farm. Justin has been working his tail off at imi and at the farm. I'm so glad he is able to step up and help so much. The kids and I haven't seen him much. He stays in the field late and is heading to imi jobs early. Once he gets ground worked and equipment put away... things should slow down for him. Drew loves being able to hang with daddy at the farm so much.

Haley is an awesome goalie. She played the entire first half and didn't let any get by her. The 2nd half goalie gave up 3 which is okay. They have a tournement next Saturday at 11 {single elimination} and if they win... they play again at 1. She got all As on her first report card. So proud of her!!

Drew is signed up for basketball. He is excited. Justin is going to coach... which should be interesting! He is going good in school still.

My new job is going... it is getting better. I don't like to leave things undone at the end of the day when I leave... and I had to get over that the first day. I spend a lot of time looking for "missing" files! Dell delivered my new computer and it didn't work. I'm SO frustrated with them especially after the amount of money I just spent on it. We will see what happens. I took my kiddos and Emma to a school skating party. That was hilarious and brought back so many Durbin memories. Photo shoots are going great! I'm working at my in-laws today to start catching up since DELL messed up my plans this weekend. I would like to book more shoots in November, so send clients my way!! PLEASE!! I book another wedding in June!!

Only 11 months until my 30th! I've yet to do anything to reach my goal! I'm so ashamed to attempt that I'm failing right now! I keep saying, "when things slow down." I'm going to have to say screw that saying and just start [something]! Pressure me... someone! I will say that I've stuck to my pop thing and haven't had any tea!

Vacation... please come sooner! Spring break {Florida in March}, Houseboat {with family in July}, and Girls trip {somewhere warm for 30th in September}! I can't wait!!

That is all for now! Have a great week!!

Well... Well... Well...

I don't even know where to start on updating everyone on our lives right now. Craziness does not even touch it. So I'll just start with last weekend: I had photoshoots everyday until Tuesday... going good so far... I was at my dad's with a family friend shooting her 2 cute kiddos. I left my phone outside on the deck while inside taking pictures of Charley. I promised Jarret a sucker if he smiled with his new baby sister and went out to the van to get him one... grabbed my phone and noticed I had 7 missed calls {back to back}! Justin had everyone looking for me, so I called him back only to find out that his dad had fallen off the top of the semi trailer. {I knew it was bad when he said an ambulance was taking him to the hospital!} I told amanda I had to leave immediately, went to mom's to get my kids, dropped my kids off with Ashley, then heading to HRH. After test showed too much damage, Jerry was moved to Methodist. We were all there until 2ish am Wednesday morning when we found out he couldn't have surgery yet. He separated his shoulder and then chipped part of his scapula and shattered his hip/pelvis joint. Surgery was Friday morning to put pins and screws in... all went well. He got to come home on Monday!! In the meantime... my computer CRASHED on Friday! I was going to vomit because all the pictures were deleted off my camera and I just lost 8 photo shoots! Thank you to Steph (BFF from Bloomington)who brought dinner to the field on Sunday and took my tower to her boyfriend, Mike, who SAVED all my documents! I ordered a new computer, but have No Idea when I'll get it. Maybe I should also mention that Justin has been off work from imi since Tuesday night to finish all the harvest. YEAH!! he finished last night!! So many people pitched in and I can't begin to list names in fear of forgetting someone. You know who you are and we all THANK YOU!! Oh yeah... and I started a new job Monday to top off my crazy few days! I hate that I missed a shift at the Loft, but I honestly didn't know I was scheduled, but I did start at the Hamilton County Prosecutor's Office. I will be a great job, but it is overwhelming. I'll keep you posted. I think that is it for now.