Well...

___ were the last thing I expected and the first thing that wanted...

Are you wondering what fills in the blank? :)

I love my KIDS!!!

Because...

of you two...

I will stay strong!

I will stand with my head held high!

I will keep faith!

I will fight... fair!

I promise to LOVE you always!! You two mean EVERYTHING to me!!

We have...

stayed at home without Justin before, but last night was different. Everyone knows we are getting divorced and not staying together. Everyone knows that the kids and I are home alone now. What did I do? Got the gun out of the safe and moved it closer to me. I had to ask Justin where the key was and he acted like I was going to use it one him!! {NO... IT ISN'T LOADED FOR ALL OF YOU WHO THINK I'M CRAZY!} Don't forget I do know gun safety from my previous job experience. They kids don't know where it is either and there isn't a reason they should find it.

Anyway, Justin is meeting with an attorney today. I'm nervous, but I know he needs someone to answer his questions. I'm still praying things are peaceful after this. I have been completely honest with him on my side.

**Your phone call meant a lot to me! I don't know why I was surprised, but I was... thank you! I hope we will always be close!**

That may have been...

the worst thing I've ever had to do in my life. I hated telling the kids... especially Haley... that we were not going to live together anymore. I never used the word divorce, but she did. She cried instantly and didn't stop for a long time. Leaving them for the weekend was awful too. I know it will get easier, but it sucked! Point Blank! Drew doesn't really understand... I don't think. I hope they will always know that this is NOT THEIR FAULT!

To get the process started... I got pay stubs faxed to the attorney. I'm not sure when we are actually going to file. Just one more thing for Justin and I to figure out together.

I went car shopping today... just looked! I hate car shopping especially when I have NO idea what I want. I want something I can afford on my own... I want my insurance to go down.

I can't wait to have the kids back tomorrow. Drew has his first basketball practice Thursday so Justin will get the kids again then for the night. uggg... this is going to suck!!!

With tears...

in my eyes, I write this post. Justin and I are telling the kids tonight about our divorce. I'm physically sick. I hope we do everything right to insure Haley and Drew know that this is not their fault and that we both LOVE them unconditionally. For now... whomever has the kids will stay at the house. So far, things seem peaceful and I pray that they can continue that way. Time will heal all wounds.

I know some of you may never speak to me again... and I've accepted that at this moment.

Times will get worse before they get better. I don't know how I'm going to deal with sharing the kids, but they love their daddy very much.

On a different note... I'm not blonde anymore! This is a step in my new direction.

As one chapter comes to an end... I'll start a new chapter!!! I'm keeping faith... no matter how many tears will roll {pour} down my cheeks!!

Don't know...

what to title this post. SO much going on in my head.

First... I'm glad halloween is over. I keep giving candy away to people hoping our bowl disappears soon. The kids had a great time, but don't care much for going door to door. I don't at all mind that, but I wish they would have told me before we were the furthest spot from Ashley and Adam's house. They have already decided what they want to dress up next year. We actually bought Drew's for 50% off {I love getting a good deal!}... man I hope he doesnt' change his mind! We haven't found what Haley wants to be yet. Maybe I'll get ambitious and make her costume... doubt it!

Second... Job is going good. Election was last week, so lots of changes are taking place amongst the office. People moving on, people over up, etc... me... I'm staying where I am! Oh well... it is a foot in the door. I am anxious to see what happens come the first of 2011. I actually have a meeting with the NEW prosecutor, Lee, tomorrow!

Third... Life sucks. I hate {strong... I know} you... that is all I'm saying. I'm hurt, pissed, crushed, angry, dissappointed, livid, broken... and you have NO idea how it feels. Enough said!